Tuesday, June 17, 2014

$4,000 Milestone Part One: Fan Store.

This is going to take some explaining.
Brandon Sanderson, one of my favorite authors, has a short story on his website called "I Hate Dragons." That story is composed entirely of dialogue. It's technically a writing exercise to try to see how well you can move a story through dialogue, but it works as a story by itself as well. Of Livestock and Mercenaries, a short story I posted here a few months ago, was grown out of one of those types of stories. (That one actually had a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes, I'll explain someday.)

This story is like that. It's purely dialogue, and slightly satirical on the customer service industry.
Hopefully it's enjoyable.

Thanks again for all the support!


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Fan Store.


"Hello, welcome to Fans and More! Just tell me if you need any hel- assistance."

"Thanks... uh, you have more?"

"We used to, but after a small ice-cream truck plowed through the front and destroyed a whole wall of uninsured porcelain geckos, we stopped stocking them, but we haven't changed the na- updated our title."

"Why didn't you just  start insuring the geckos?"

We tri- attempted to do so, but the insurance guy wouldn't talk to us. Apparently as soon as we mentioned the geckos he screamed about everyone having the wrong company and hung up. We didn't try to call back."

"Um... ok then."

....

...

"Hey, can you tell me about this fan?"

"Sur- Absolutely! That is an 04' XPR0-1336 Master fan-on-a-stand. It comes wi- included is a working remote, seven different fan speeds, air freshener, and an extra long cord for those out-of-the-way outlets!"
"-'Fan on a stand?'"
"We like to give interesting names to our stu- products."
"Um, sure. How about this ceiling fan over here?"
"That's a rapid 350 degree oscillating Neutron 00115, complete with 364 day guarantee. You know, I might be able to hel- assist you more efficiently, if you told me what you are looking for?"
"Well, just browsing. I was thinking about getting something for my brother as a wedding present."
"Oh, Wonderful! When is the date, may I ask? Preparing for this lovely June weather?"
"Well, it would be more of a long term investment actually, he's four right now. I just don't want to have to end up grabbing something last minute."
"That sounds... wise."
"I don't like watching people throw their money out the window."
"Well I'm glad to see you here then, we don't have any windows! Ha-ha"
"ha....ha....
...
I was thinking I'd get a portable fan rather than a ceiling fan, since then he can put it wherever he wants and take it with him when he moves."
"That sounds like an excellent idea! But in that case, why don't you check out this backpack fan? Strap it on, and have the wind blowing past your ears on a jog, in the mall, or even just at home!"
"Um.. I meant like moving... houses. Like real estate and stuff."
"Oh, my mistake! I do apologize! (Hey, would you like a free coupon for this Poker Chip fan.)"
"Uh, don't mention it. No thanks, I don't really like Poker Chip fans."
"What's not to like?"
"They just... I just don't like them, ok?"
"Certainly sir! Whatever you say!"
"Alright, look, I'm just gonna get this one right here."
"The classic Verdana Type 90 degree oscillation model here? Excellent choice, it's a favorite among our customers. Let me go ring you up."
"How much?"
"It's going to be... (where's the bar code on this thing?) Ah, it's going to be thirty five dollars. Unless you are interested in buy- adding a three month guarantee, a seven month guarantee, or a three year, six week, and two day guarantee."
"Um-"
"A seven month guarantee is our most popular option, balancing reasonable price addition, at only fifteen more dollars, and a decent length of time to make sure you didn't get a lemon."
"This isn't going to be used for like ten years, remember?"
"Oh yes, you did mention that, my apologies.
I- uh, yes. Thirty five then- wait, sorry, forgot about sales tax. It's thirty six forty one."
"Here's forty."
"Out of forty, your change is three fifty nine. Can I interest you in anything else today?"
"Well..."

...

"Hey Dad."
"Hey Son."

"I got a fan for Joe's wedding today."
"Joe's getting married today?"
"No, I mean I got a fan today, for Joe's wedding in the future."
"Planning ahead?"
"Yea...
Hey, how was work?"
"It was good, I haven't lost my temper with the nuts who call in in over a week."
"That's great dad. Hey, just in case, don't get too upset about people thinking you're a different insurance company, it's better that they're calling you guys anyway, right?"
"Well... I suppose so."
"Good, look at it positively. By the way, I got you a backpack fan. You can take it on your jogs."
"That sounds pretty interesting."
"It's the latest thing. Seven month guarantee too."



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